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Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like