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What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
The secret to success is in my bra.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.