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If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes