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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.