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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?