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Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.