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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.