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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.