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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.