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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.