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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?