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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Siri, where are my pants?
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that Iām married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.