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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.