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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....