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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.