Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.