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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?