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Before the internet I used to like people.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?