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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.