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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.