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There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.