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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug