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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.