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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.