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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!