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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.