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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.