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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.