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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....