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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."