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So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
Someday, somewhere, somehow Iām going to do something.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented ā¢ Which breed is your dad?
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!