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Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.