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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.