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I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.