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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.