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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Iām supporting our troops today by going commando.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
If I were Noah, Iād be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.