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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.