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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....