Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.