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If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone