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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.