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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Insert coin to view my status message.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.