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Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
I`m tired of things costing money
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."