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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.