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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.