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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.