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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.