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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
As it turns out, Iām not an afternoon person either.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
This salad tastes like Iād rather be fat.