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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.