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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.