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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.