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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?