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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.