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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.