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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)