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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.