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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
This status is mine....I licked it.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.