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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things