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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.