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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.