Daily Silly Status

I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.

A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!

Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"

Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.

So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.

I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.

Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.

My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."

Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.

Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.

I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".