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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.