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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
pudding... thats always a funny word
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.