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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"