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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."