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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.