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Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Don’t jump to confusions.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I want to sleep tighter
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married