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Beer is good, but beers are better.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.