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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.