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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie