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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.