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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon