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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.