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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"