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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?