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No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist