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People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.