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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."