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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride