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I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5