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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Tieam... problem solved
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.