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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
I play hard to get along with.