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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.