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I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.