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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.