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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Better late than pregnant.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.