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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
he who laughs last thinks slow
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...