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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"