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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.