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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
i don`t know what to say on your comment so i just hit "like" so you won`t be upset that ignored you.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....