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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong