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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.