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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.