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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.