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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.