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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.