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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me