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I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I make a great second impression.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.