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Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...