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Married sext: Iām not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.