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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.