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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.