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After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.