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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.