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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.