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Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.