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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.