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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."