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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I saw that! - Karma
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.